Memoirs of a Tantrika

The Official Blog for Charu, founder of Embody Tantra

Archive for self-love

Some Benefits of Puja Ritual…

At my Valentines Puja, I had an incredible experience.  I looked across from me at my beloved and I saw him.  I saw his love, his devotion, his innocence, his longing…and for the first time in a long time, I dropped my fears and self-imposed isolation and met him.

My love and I have a wonderful relationship.  And in my humanness, as I have gotten closer and closer to him I seem to have touched another protective layer inside of me.  A programming telling me that it is dangerous to be so close to someone.  A defense mechanism which may have once kept me safe, but now keeps me at an arms length from life.

In that simple moment, during the Puja ritual, I was gifted with a sensation of all the walls coming down. I saw and felt what is possible between lovers.  A feeling we sometimes allow ourselves to taste when we are first falling in love, but quickly squelch as we begin to grasp for security over the ripe, ever-changing truths of life.

The tantric meditations open a door, a door to what is possible beyond the ‘safe’ structures you have created to live comfortably within.  It offers a world filled with intimacy, aliveness, and possibilities.

Whether you are longing to re-connect with your beloved in a new way, or you are eager to discover the riches of life as you become more and more present to yourself…I invite you to join me at this weekend’s Puja ritual to support you on your journey.
Whether you are longing to re-connect with your beloved in a new way, or you March Tantra Puja
Sunday March 29th 6-10pm (singles and couples welcome)
Early Bird EXTENDED until THURS! $50 if registered by midnight on 3.26.09/ thereafter $60 per person
click here to register
http://embodytantra.ecrater.com/product.php?pid=3521066

What is a Tantra Puja?

A Puja is a prayer. In Tantra, our prayer is recognizing the divine in every human being, our temple is the body. In a Puja ritual each man will have the opportunity to partner with each woman for a simple exercise or meditation. The Tantric meditations use breath, movement, sound, and guided meditation to enrich each meeting throughout the ceremony. Attending Couples may choose to work solely with each other.

*there is no nudity or sexual contact in the classager to discover the riches of life as you become more and more present to yourself…Embody Tantra has an offering for you this March.

New Territory (part 3)

When my love returned to me from his afternoon of Karate he was open and excited to see me.

He pulled off my clothes and played with me joyfully.

We got hungry and moved into the kitchen to make something to eat. We wound up on the floor kissing and grasping at each other. I felt myself desiring him and opening up, and at the same time I was becoming more and more afraid.

I asked him to place his penis at the entrance of my vagina (without going inside) …I know that this is the moment when I would often shut-down and I wanted to experiment with being in that space that frightens me to see what it reveals.

I held him close to me and began to cry, ‘I just want to get it right…make the right choice..’

This is so typical for me. I often feel motivated by my desire to ‘do it right’ and ‘be good’…so much so that I cannot feel who I am or what I truly want.

‘I’m so scared’

‘I know.’ he said.

I suddenly felt a massive pain in my throat. I grabbed at it wanting relief.

‘say whatever you have to say’ he said.

I could not feel any words.

I became hysterical. I wailed and cried until words began to come…

‘get away from me….stop…leave me alone…leave me alone’ I screamed.

I knew that I was not talking to the man before me, but I also did not see or feel who I was talking to. I have no recollection of any kind of sexual abuse in this lifetime.

I did not need a face or a scenario to go with what I was feeling…I just allowed it to come. I knew that I was releasing part of what has been keeping me from opening to my love.

My crying subsided and I relaxed a bit. I felt like a weight had been lifted.

I began to truly feel the purpose of this entire exercise, this time in our relationship.

I know that I am coming closer to myself. I have no idea what happens next.

~charu

New Territory (part 2)

After my evening of Tantra, hot-tubs and new awakenings in my body, the story continued upon my return home with my love.

In the hot tub, he had challenged me that my commitment to taking time away from genital sex was actually a fear of surrendering fully to him and his love.

I listened. This process is multi-layered for me and I don’t have a clear grasp of what is best. I just have an endless desire to be closer and closer to life, to myself and to my beloved. So far, with all of the challenges we have faced in the last six weeks, I have embodied new parts of myself and brought more to our relationship…undeniably.

I do long to have my love inside of me, and now with more space, more love, more allowing I am feeling like a new woman in many ways. Available to him in ways I have never been before.

And even still, I feel there is more. I feel like I have begun to chip away of what has held me back from fully receiving man and for whatever reason, this process is supporting me in that. I am scared that by ending it too soon I may be missing out on the jewels to come. I feel this deep inside of me.

I also feel that this is benefiting my beloved. I can see and feel him sharing new sides of himself too and facing demons that no other challenge has yet called him to face.

In our sleep last night we fell into a delicious, sensual romp. I was very present and my body was open. It felt wonderful.

When we awoke, more loving.

…and more challenges from my love, asking me to surrender, open all the way to him, beyond my fears.

I made a point to listen to him, rather than argue my point.

As I listened, without resisting, he came closer and closer to me. I heard him tell me how he loves me, I felt how hard it was for me to hear. How impossible it is to believe that his love could possibly be real and available to me.

I began to feel scared. Since I was taking a break from pointing fingers about what he needed to look at I had the chance to feel myself more. The more he showed me his love, the more he invited me to meet him in this love, the more terrified I became.

After we had shared some sensual time together I asked him if we could put into practice the exercise from Dawn’s class the night before…’look lovingly at an object and do not look away’. He agreed. We sat across from one another and gazed at each other. First into our eyes, then our entire bodies. I felt so delighted and nourished. I felt his love caressing my body through his eyes. I felt so blessed to have a partner who would share this kind of moment with me.

By the time he left for his afternoon of Karate I felt both filled with loving and deeply in my fears..which had no face or name.

to be continued…

~Charu

Are you inspired by these stories? Check out my website http://www.embodytantra.com and join the community by signing up for my mailing list.

New Territory

I don’t even know how to begin to describe the last couple of days.

I have traveled from lost in confusion to the absolute edges of bliss within moments.

Yesterday, along with many other days, my beloved and I were facing challenges. Both of us spent the day saturated in uncomfortable feelings.

Last night I was so thrilled to participate in my beloved teacher Dawn’s new weekly class. So glad that my love would be there with me.

The class unfolded and we wound up in separate groups, which was fine.

The meditation was from the Vighyan Bhirav Tantra. The sutra was ‘Look lovingly at an object, without looking away’. The object, in this case, was another human being.

There was so much power and beauty in this meditation, in the space that Dawn held, and in what I brought with me inside my own body to class.

Gazing at the people in the class became so delicious. Where many times I feel that eye contact is excruciating, this time I found it simple and nourishing. I love it when I get to that space.

I felt my body begin to unlock. I have been having this feeling in orgasm recently. Like I am being peeled open and spreading out. Before I have felt it only in my heart. Last night it revealed me all the way into my pelvis.

I often live with a gate between my pelvis and my heart, I feel the gateway is opening. It is exciting and scary. I am in uncharted territory.

I felt totally new afterward. Many friends gathered around me to share their love with me. I felt supported and loved…and still very lonely because I could not feel the connection with my beloved.

I helped clean up, wandered out, and even drove to my friend’s house with this opening in my body that felt alien and unsettling. I was uncomfortable unless I was sitting still, my head was pounding and I was acutely aware of every breath moving in and out of my body. I knew that something was changing inside of me.

When my love arrived, there was still a terrible distance between us. It melted away within the hour when we both submerged ourselves in the warm water of the hot-tub. The pull toward each other is too strong to deny…especially when we allow ourselves to be naked (literally and figuratively).

In the hot tub we held and massaged each other, I began to feel the opening I had experienced ground in my body. My headache dissolved and suddenly the world looked more beautiful than ever before. Every leaf seemed to be singing, a song without words that I heard directly from my heart. The water caressed me as I moved through it. My love, although sitting next to me, was alive inside of my body. I was so happy.

I once again remembered why I am so dedicated to this path of Tantra, even when I feel like it is driving me insane. When I surrender, it shows me life as it really is. The simplicity, beauty, pleasure, bliss…and everything else that is held in each moment. Last night, I allowed myself to see life as it really is.

To be continued…

For more information about how Tantra can change your life, check out www.embodytantra.com and join our mailing list for updates, provocative life questions, more personal discoveries from Charu and upcoming classes and workshops.

The Other Side of The Story…

With the support of my friends and my beloved Teacher, I have taken a deep breath and begun to look at what I am feeling through this process, beyond my frustrations with my love.

When my Teacher offered this ‘project’ to us, it struck a chord with me because of a couple of things. Throughout the workshop that we were at, I noticed that there were several times when my love wanted to make love with me and I was not feeling open. In these situations, every single time I took him inside of me anyway.

I took him inside of me because I love him, I took him inside of me because I knew I would enjoy myself once I went beyond my resistance, and I took him inside of me because I want more than anything for him to be happy.

One of the times when I had taken him inside of me against the messages of my body, as he was making love to me, he called me on the fact that I was shut down. He got very frustrated with me, pulled out and said that he did not want to make love with me in this way, he wanted all of me to be there when we made love.

The night before my teacher offered this assignment to us, she gave us all a meditation for the evening. The meditation was for the women to spend some time lying on top of their man, covering him with her entire body and just resting and breathing together. She recommended that after this practice we do not make love.

Much to my surprise, I felt in my body a sigh of relief, I would have an opportunity to receive my love, and give to him, and love him, and absorb his loving in a new way. I would have a chance to ‘catch up with myself’ where usually (I was beginning to realize) the lovemaking would often be two steps ahead of what I was truly ready to receive.

Several months before this workshop, I was noticing that more often than not, when I would make love with my beloved, I would shut down the moment before I would take him inside of me. This would manifest by my vagina getting dry (even if I was turned on moments before)…usually I would choose to take him inside of me anyway and the moment he would be in my body, I would open up, my vagina would get wet, and I could receive him fully.

Being the Tantrika that I am, I made a mental note that I wanted to begin to look at why my body was reacting in this way and how I could get more present to myself and my beloved. What was happening for me in these moments and how could I move through this and bring even more opening and receptivity to our relationship and to our lovemaking?

I love my man. I want more than anything to get to a place where I can receive him…I want to bring him ALL of my loving in every moment of our relating.

By ignoring the messages my body has been giving me and moving ahead with the lovemaking when I am not ready, I have been denying myself and denying him. I am only able to bring part of myself to the lovemaking…

It is because of his love that I am waking up to the truth about who I am sexually…making me more of a lover when I am tuned in.

This process is coming from a place of wanting to meet him fully and receive him all the way. In many ways it is an answer to the man who said to me ‘I don’t want to be inside of you when you are shut down like this’.

He is demanding all of me, I am attempting to discover who I am so I can meet him there.

~Charu

** Many of you are getting excited about joining in the conversation about the year off from genital sex. If you have something to say to me please post it as a comment on the blog rather than emailing me or calling. This opens the conversation to the community. Thank you. **

Also…if you are reading this blog and you are in the Los Angeles area you can join in our Tuesday Tantra class! Embody Tantra regularly hosts events open to everyone who is curious about how Tantra can support them in their lives www.embodytantra.com for more information.

Insecurities

Opening up my heart and my life in this blog has offered many discoveries for me.

The most important one is how I am still searching for approval and love outside of myself.

Some of you know that I studied acting. One of the reasons that I stepped away from pursuing it as a career was that I came to understand that I was using the accolades I would gain from my performances as a substitute for love. As my meditation practice became more and more important to me I felt it was time to sever ties to ‘unhealthy’ habits like that.

And here I am, years later, doing exactly the same thing. I have changed the focus from acting to teaching Tantra, but the essence is the same…when people accept and admire what I put forward, I feel happy…when they don’t approve or misunderstand, I feel sad.

Fascinating the roller coaster I choose to ride rather than allow myself to feel the love within.

daily meditation

  • Rest with your hands on your heart
  • Try remembering a time in your life when you felt loved
  • For example: the warmth of the sun on your face, a family member or lover holding you or looking at you with pride after a triumph, spending time with a beloved pet
  • Allow yourself to fill out every detail of the moment that you are remembering…immerse yourself in it
  • Then allow the memory to dissolve and continue to feel the resonance in your body

…you are the love that you seek.

No matter the story that surrounds your experience of love, it is simply the catalyst, a mirror for the truth within. Knowing this can mean the difference between constantly seeking approval from your partner, and truly experiencing a sharing of love with them.

*For a more detailed description of this meditation entitled ‘Awakening the Inner Lover’ check out Margo Anand’s book The Art of Sexual Ecstasy.