Memoirs of a Tantrika

The Official Blog for Charu, founder of Embody Tantra

Throw Away Your Self-Help Books

Lately, I have noticed that I have been rather negative.  Thinking negative, sludgy thoughts, speaking of the things that are not going the way I would like in a negative way, and in many ways hanging out and bathing in this well of negativity.

It occurred to me that I have probably been creating a negative cloud around me and I should refer back to tools such as; the power of ‘thinking positive’.  Problem is, that whenever I consider tools around ‘positive thinking’ or ‘gratitude’ it makes me want to vomit.  Seriously, something just does not feel right about it.  Something is off.

When I have an internal ‘yes’ for something there is no stopping me.  I can feel it in my body, in my teeth, how right it is and the universe moves in order to support me in that yes.

I often feel this ‘yes’ when I meet a teacher who I resonate with, a person I want to spend more time with, a work partner… and, of course, I feel this yes for Tantra.

Yesterday, within my sludge of negativity, I had a fantastic day of delicious meditation.  I began in the afternoon with my meditation on the goddess Tripura Bhairavi, which I learned from a recent workshop with Parvathi and have taken on as a 40 day practice to embody the qualities of this goddess in my life… I then gave a private session where my client and I delved into Bio-energetic techniques to build the charge of life force and arousal in our bodies before allowing it to flow through us… and finally, I attended Dawn Cartwright’s Friday Tantra Experience class where we awakened to the Sutra ‘Unminding Mind, Be in the Middle, until…’

By the time I arrived at class I was already buzzing.  Within the first five minutes I felt something crack open inside of me and I was alive with absolute love and gratitude… I did not think this, it was an actual physical sensation.  I felt my absolute devotion to Tantra on a cellular level and my love for Dawn, for my beloved, for all my friends… and even for the strangers who shared in this evening with me. Ahhhh.

…And suddenly I knew why I feel sick when I think about positive thinking or gratitude lists…

What I am longing for, what I know to be real and true in my body, is so far beyond my negative thoughts, so far beyond changing my behavior or thinking in any way, what I am longing for isn’t even on the same planet as these concepts.  What I am longing for is simple, it is effortless, it is absolute reality and it awakens through my body.  Once I touch it, everything is transformed.  Negative thoughts are not a ‘problem’ because the story has dissolved.  I don’t need to ‘think positive’ or ‘be grateful’ because I am fully embodied.  The wholeness that I experience is in itself a radiant love and gratitude, and I don’t need to name it.

This is what I am holding for.  This is what I surrender everything to.  This is what Tantra has given me.

1 Comment»

  Darren wrote @

Thank you so much for saying this about “positive thinking” and “gratitude lists”. Although I am in no way as advanced and embodied as you, I recognize what you are saying and I believe that you are SO RIGHT! You have captured in words what feels authentic and right to me. Perhaps this is becuase your whole approach is leading from the heart and body and not the mind. The mind is is an extremely useful tool but it is only a small part of us. The heart (centered in the body) must be accorded its rightful place as the origin and source of our most powerful, centered, and genuine human experience.


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