Memoirs of a Tantrika

The Official Blog for Charu, founder of Embody Tantra

What is Authentic Sexuality?

As the things that used to titillate me and turn me on dissolve, I find myself asking what is it to be ‘turned on’ when it does not come from my brain?

It seems to me that most of the things that are sexually exciting to us as human beings fall under one of the following categories:

1. forbidden in some way/ ex. making love in public

2. inaccessible, unrequited/ ex. lusting after someones spouse

3. ‘bad’, unethical, just plain ‘wrong’/ ex. sleeping with someones spouse, a teacher, co-worker

4. shameful/ ex. longing for some sordid sexual act

5. punish-able/ ex. (see ‘bad’, unethical)

6. somehow involving control/ ex. a feeling ‘if I am sexy enough to win this persons attention, I have ‘won’ control over them

For some(most) of us, we have been raised so isolated from sex and sexuality that we are turned on by anything sexual because to us it somehow falls into one of these categories.

And yet, when we find ourselves in loving, committed relationships, these elements are generally not a part of it, or if they are, the novelty wears off after a while and we are left with a person we love, who loves us and…???  How in the world do you get turned on within such freedom and love?

I always had a feeling that most of the time when I felt ‘titillated’ it came from my brain…being a meditator I imagined that as I let go of listening to what my mind was telling me, and little by little found my way back to the wisdom of my body, that all of these turn-ons would go away and I would begin to discover what is ‘authentic sexuality’.

I believe that I have had moments of this.  The first of which occurred for me in India at the Osho commune.  Each evening we would do a 3 hour meditation which involved dancing, listening to a lecture, speaking gibberish (making sounds), and resting silently…whenever I would participate in this meditation I would feel my heart open, and with it, my vagina.  I would often leave the meditation hall feeling a slippery wetness dripping down my legs…I felt very alive, and none of it came from stimulating my brain or what I had come to believe was sexy.  It was simply a bodily response.

I have also felt this several times within my relationship, moments when I have felt so loved, and allowed myself to receive that love…as my heart would open, my vagina would open in a completely genuine, alive delicious way.

…and, of course, one of the main things that drew me to Tantra, and that keeps me consistently dedicated to this practice is that in Tantra I have often felt the sweet, authentic, connected opening that I so long for.

Several times in my life, including right now, I have felt a wall come up, or a switch has been flipped ‘off’.  The things that once turned me on no longer do and I feel strange and slightly less than human.

Although I regularly practice opening my heart and my body, it seems that the door to my authentic sexuality does not yet know how to stay open consistently and I find myself in an uncomfortable numbness.  Or perhaps it is that as I am opening more and more and journeying deeper into unknown territory inside of me, I am gradually uncovering walled-off areas that I had been able to avoid when I was more disconnected.  Perhaps there was a more comfortable layer of behavior that has been burned away by the meditation and I am sitting with parts of myself that I had been safely avoiding.

My intuition says that something beautiful is happening for me, that I am meeting a new side of myself and as I allow myself to feel what is happening in my body, I will begin to discover a new level of authenticity…perhaps make new ground-breaking discoveries about what is available between man and woman.  Perhaps touch the depths of myself on a new level and learn to experience even more of life, even more of lovemaking, even more intimacy.

In the meantime, I am having trouble letting go and allowing.  I feel confused, frustrated and wrong for experiencing this.  I feel a responsibility to satisfy my partner, I feel a pressure from within to ‘hurry up and get through this’ so that I can again feel alive the way that I once did.

I am afraid of the unknown.  Afraid of what comes after this point.

The point beyond excitement into a discovery of essential arousal.

in love,

Charu

P.S. if you are interested in discovering your own authentic sexuality come and join us for one of our upcoming events:

Tantra Puja

March 29th / 6-10pm/ Santa Monica / $60 per person

Tantra Life! Weekly Classes

Tuesday’s / 7:30-9pm / Culver City / $30 per person

email us for address details: charu@embodytantra.com

5 Comments»

  Mike wrote @

Hey Charu – Maybe an authentic sexuality is one in which the heart is connected to the genitals. One in which the genitals can ask the heart – “Is this what you want?” and the heart can ask the genitals – “Is this what you want?”. The blockages that prevent these things from connecting must be work through and, at times, in working through them there are dead spots in our being, places of stuck energy and places that can and must be worked through so as to better connect the heart and the root – the battery of our being, the power center of our bodies. If these two things are aligned and connected, free-flowing without blockages, then we can burn clean energy and exist on the power of the heart and the genitals connected.

  devacharu wrote @

Dear Mike,

Thank you so much for participating in the conversation on my blog.

I am completely in alignment with what you have shared.

What I am examining is the process of discovering that not only as an idea, but fully embodied. I am attempting to reveal my very human process of living through my blocks…

I would love it if you would share on the blog what your experience of this has been…moments when you have felt that connection, moments when you have not, and what your journey has been like.

Few people are even aware of the concept of connecting the genitals and the heart, once we become aware, a great journey begins. It would be a generous gift to the community if you felt open to sharing your journey.

Thank you again.

in love,
Charu

  tinque wrote @

Hi Charu,
Reading this is like reading my own thoughts and feelings. I’ve been in the process of being so in tune with my body that I can feel every little place that holds, blocks energy, cowers in fear in other words. It’s really all fear from the past, from the present, imagined fear even. It’s a process, one of awareness and a willingness accompanied with patience to allow it to release.
My sense is that you are continually revealing ever deepening layers of “stuff”, thus the periods of numbness. Those times are scary and uncomfortable, but just knowing that you’ve been somewhere like this before and that is has passed helps. It helps a lot. What helps me is to sink even more deeply into my body, feel whatever it is I feel be it icky or yummy. Observe. Feel through the shifts and changes, for they will do so. No feeling is static. It will pass, and you will feel a renewed sense, a deeper connection to yourself, your beloved, and the universe. I love to fall asleep while melting into especially the most uncomfortable feelings, for this is the time when you are most vulnerable and available for change.
Lastly, as far as I’m concerned, there is nothing but emptiness without the heart genital connection. When you can make love from this place, there are just no words to describe the bliss, the love.
hugs,
tinque

  Mike wrote @

To follow up on your question – it’s something that has SERIOUSLY been in my consciousness lately and I’m really working on integrating into my life, not only as an idea but as a practice and as an awareness as well. What I have been dealing with is a feeling that my sexuality has been a something of a separate thing from my being, something that pulls, pushes and urges me in certain directions…the desires and “forbidden” things that you were writing about.

But now I am looking to those urges, those pulls as something that is trying to speak more to my heart, asking for integration into my life and my being. My sexuality is actually asking me to be more who I am. My sexuality is asking me to connect with myself and others and ultimately to existence itself more deeply.

I know for sure the desires, the “forbidden feelings” are asking me to really connect with people in authentic ways, person to person – man to woman, man to man. It’s incredibly energizing actually, feeling the power of that force, it’s actually life force itself asking to be expressed through me and I can physically feel it running through my body.

  Tiina wrote @

Thank you Charu and others for this blogpost & comments! I came here by googling “authentic sexuality” and found your sharings helpful ❤


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