Memoirs of a Tantrika

The Official Blog for Charu, founder of Embody Tantra

Conflict Resolution Tantra Style…

I have been experiencing some rather monstrous PMS this month and  it seems to have unleashed a side of me that is aching for conflict so that I can isolate myself and complain about how lonely I am. 😉

Yesterday, I as soon as I awoke, I had it in for my beloved.  I kept trying to find the side of myself that knows how to bring us closer, but the angry bitch kept running the show.  No matter what he said, it was wrong and even when I would try to show up in a loving way, I had an edge that was silently saying, ‘fuck you’.

I achieved my goal of facilitating an argument that could have debilitated our connection for the entire day.  We both became exhausted by it and we had created a sufficient cloud covering up the parts of ourselves and one another that we love to be around.  Yikes.  Just as I was about to storm out of the room and go through my ‘cooling down’ process of showering for way longer than I need to (secretly hoping that the warm water will wash away the conflict inside of me) and then crawling into bed in my bath robe to cry, I remembered something I had shared with a friend just a few nights before…

This friend was experiencing challenges in her relationship and she did not know how to approach the conflicts in a different way.  Both partners often turned cold and conflicts would end with them turning to stone and going about their day without resolution.  I told her that the most effective thing to do in these moments of conflict is simply to put aside your ‘story’ and hug your man.

Yup, just at that moment when you would like nothing more than to escape the presence of your lover, or to kill them with your bare hands, instead put your body next to theirs, wrap your arms around them and breathe.

…and I decided to take my own advice.  Something I used to remember to do much more in the beginning of my relationship.  Somehow, as time as gone by I have been choosing to ‘prove my point’ above choosing to love my partner.  I asked my love if we could hold one another…it was difficult to even get the words out because I was in the thick of wanting to hate him and make him wrong.  As soon as I said it he opened up completely.  He smiled and laughed and took me in his arms, he thanked me for making a different choice, for being brave and creating a space for us to come together.

At first I was relieved to feel some sweetness between us, and then the burning began.  The burning feeling in my body of being close when all I want is to run away and isolate.  More sweetness, more burning…and then a remembering of the love.  Before my eyes, this man who moments ago was my arch enemy began to transform into my beloved again.

I invite you to try this the next time you experience a challenge with your love…after you try it, if you feel moved, come back to the blog and share what your experience of it was.

in love,


P.S. Discover tantra…

Ladies~ March 15 10am-4pm Women’s Transformation Event

Everyone ~ the next Puja Ritual will be March 29th 6-10pm for more information and to register


  Janet wrote @

here’s a poem I would like to share with you


To forgive
Is not to forget.
To forgive
Is really to remember

That nobody is perfect

That each of us stumbles
When we want so much to stay upright

That each of us says things
We wish we had never said

That we can all forget that love
Is more important than being right.

To forgive
Is really to remember

That we are so much more
Than our mistakes

That we are often more kind and caring
That accepting another’s flaws
Can help us accept our own.

To forgive
Is to remember

That the odds are pretty good that
We might soon need to be forgiven ourselves.

That life sometimes gives us more
Than we can handle gracefully.

To forgive
Is to remember

That we have room in our hearts to
Begin again

And again,

And again.

  Dawn wrote @

I read the blog about making a different choice when you are in conflict with your beloved: choose to be close instead of distant. Ask for a hug. This resonated with me because we have had our ups & downs in almost 25 years of marriage and I could totally identify with the feelings you were having. And I also know that whenever my husband and I have the courage to put our story aside and ask for a hug, everything gets better. We realize how silly we’ve been or we remember what’s important again.

I love the poem that Janet shared. It really struck a chord and I had tears in my eyes as I read it.

I want my husband to read both the blog entry and the poem. Thanks for sharing.

  Mystery v wrote @

Arrrgh… I’m there now. Missed the opportunity to hug today, will try when I see him next 🙂

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