Memoirs of a Tantrika

The Official Blog for Charu, founder of Embody Tantra

Archive for November, 2008

The Truth About Sex

It was more than three years ago, in a delicious workshop with my beloved friend Dawn Cartwright, that she led myself and a group of women by the hand out into the night. She lifted my blindfold and signaled to the star filled sky above us, ‘When a man penetrates you, this is what he is entering’.

Wow. It reminded me how profound it is to share in sexual union with another, I remembered that I, insecure, lost, lonely, Charu am a reflection of the world around me. Beautiful, complicated, full, alive, sparkling, endless…. When I know myself as this I can allow my partner to literally make love with the universe…together we can reveal mysteries simply by meeting in love.

This morning, as I made love with my beloved, the skies opened up and I allowed myself to experience the simple truth. As he penetrated me, I felt waves an waves of sweetness pulling me deeper and deeper into the starry sky that I am made of. I felt our connection even as I was overwhelmed by sensation. As each swell of energy came it washed over both of us…our bodies were at once very real and dissolving….something that might be referred to as ‘simultaneous orgasm’ although that definition feels small for the experience we share. It feels more like being bathed by waves of orgasm and there is no ‘my orgasm’ vs. ‘his orgasm’ the orgasms wash over both of us at the same time…yum!

When we shared a brief moment together this evening we acknowledged how amazing and bizarre our life is and how absolutely profound lovemaking can be. Another level of communication through the bodies has become an everyday affair. I may have a yearning for him to touch my lips during our lovemaking, and before the thought comes out of my mouth, he has heard me. We laughed about the delicious witchcraft we have discovered.

Seriously, if someone had told me this, I would not have believed it. I remember wishing that it was true, wishing there could be more to lovemaking than I was experiencing, but feeling whatever that ‘more’ was remained hidden behind some wall that I could not identify.

As I look back on my journey from here to here, I am reminded of how nothing has developed as I imagined it would. How absolutely grateful I am for finding Tantra and surrendering to it in the way that I have. How the Tantric meditations somehow showed me the ‘wall’ that I was imprisoned by and how to knock it down. How hysterical fits led to openings, how resistance and hating the world gave way to a sudden experience of more of myself, how a simple breath has become a lovemaking in and of itself, how a moment of truth has made way for more orgasms…

It is my greatest wish that I continue to allow myself to be surprised by what shows up for me in this exploration. I know that I have only just begun to embody what is possible. I continue to call to everyone who knows there is more, to step bravely into the possibilities and be my companions on this journey. I am so grateful to have opened this door. This world of pleasure, opening and connection is here for all of us.

Beware of Chasing Orgasms…

Last Friday I attended Dawn Cartwright’s Friday night Tantra Experience class.  It was delicious and wonderful and yet, within all of my experiences of the evening was an underlying feeling…

As I came more and more into experiencing myself in my body, I felt the pain and the horror of being alive.

This is not the first time I have felt this.

It has showed itself to me many times in the course of my self-exploration.

In a recent Yoga class (I love discovering my body through yoga…there is really nowhere to hide) I was happily experiencing an orgasmic state while doing repetitive squats with a partner.   My teacher came over to me and pressed her hand firmly into my body just below my belly button, “move from here, Charu” she commanded.  As she pressed her hands into me I immediately was brought back into my body.

It was a rude awakening.  I let out a earth-shattering scream as I felt in an instant the agony I had been avoiding in my body by floating off into an ‘out of body orgasmic experience’.  I was then encouraged to continue to squats while staying in my body and feeling everything, rather than using my usual escape route…fuck!  No wonder I have spent my life floating out of my body and chasing extreme spiritual states…sometimes the reality of being alive is almost unbearable.

And yet, it is so right, so true, so real, so whole.  Ultimately, although it was my desire for more out-of-body delight that brought me to a ‘spiritual’ practice, it is my deepest longing to truly live as a human being in this life.  To feel all of what is available in this skin, the pleasure and the pain.

After my Friday night reminder of why I avoid being a human, I had a Saturday that was thick with self-hate, shame, indulgence, inadequacy, etc, etc, etc.  Much of this had a familiar ring…like I had taken on traits that were common within my family.

In a casual conversation, peppered with comedy to skim the surface of the cutting pain I was feeling, I joked, “maybe all of this time I have truly been a depressed person, keeping myself from experiencing that by living ‘out of my body’ and eating loads of sugar…”.

In the moment, I laughed.  Yet, my joke felt sadly true. I have been living at a safe distance from anything real.

Days of depression followed and I have been eager to find fault with anything and anyone around me in order to avoid feeling…or maybe to provoke the feelings so longing to be felt that I have ignored while I danced in my ‘orgasmic’ state slightly out of body.

I know there is more.  I know that my freedom will come from allowing myself to be human, allowing myself to feel and embrace whatever is alive for me in every moment.  Luckily, I have Tantra and I have created a life where I am surrounded by beloved friends who love me enough to infuriate me by calling me on the indulgences that keep me from the simple truth.

I know that I share Tantra because it is what I most long to learn.  To truly be embodied in this life, to allow life to touch me in every way.  To say ‘yes’ to what is.

…and so the journey continues.