Memoirs of a Tantrika

The Official Blog for Charu, founder of Embody Tantra

Wanting to be Wanted

Recently, I was recommended a book by a friend called, Women and Desire, Beyond Wanting to be Wanted by Polly Young-Eisendrath.

It struck a chord in me and I bought it right away.

It threw me back to a memory of being 17 years old in New York City in a ‘Meisner’ Style acting class. The class was one of my first (unknown to me) experiences of Tantra. The exercise was to sit across from your partner and one person makes an observation…you repeat that observation back and forth between you until one of you notices something in yourself or the other that you express…and so on, and so on.

I was partnered with a man that I did not find attractive and would never date, and yet, there was some underlying energy between us that I could not and did not want to define. Something that I was ashamed of…

We were mid-way through the exercise and my teacher intuited that there was something I was not saying…she dared me to be totally truthful. I felt that she wanted me to say that I was attracted to him, but I knew that did not feel all the way true. I wanted so much to be brave and break through what I was hiding…

Finally, I found the words inside of me that felt true, ‘I want you to want me’.

It was such a relief.

And in that moment, I became aware just how much of my behavior is motivated by that desire.

I also became aware of what a bottomless pit of longing I am. I have this endless hunger to ‘seduce’ everyone into desiring me, thinking of me as the best friend, the best lover, the best teacher, etc…and when they do I just feel empty and hunger for more. Or worse, I don’t believe them because I secretly know that they are in love with a facade. I have never really shown them who I truly am -a hungry monster, self-conscious, manipulative, angry, having no idea how to receive the love that is shared with me once I get it.

So, I have only finished reading the intro of the book and so far I feel fascinated by how much it is resonating with me.

I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to continue to see these hidden truths about myself. I continue to adore Tantra for the ‘great reveal’ that I experience when I allow myself to be touched by the meditations.

in love,


**This Saturday Aug 16th 6-9pm I have a class being offered in Silver Lake/ Los Angeles…there are still a few spaces left if you are ready to dive into Tantra and see what is available for you when the meditations bring you back to yourself. Click here for registration and Details.


  alexisneely wrote @

Yes, that’s exactly what I’m driven by too Charu. It’s no doubt part of what draws us to each other.

I recall some time ago when I was in an intimate situation with a man and he said tell me what you want, tell me what you want. And, it just came out “I want you to want me.”

It was an enlightening moment for me even as he sort of recoiled at my statement.

What a revelation.

  Tabby Biddle wrote @

What an amazing discovery Charu!
I am going to reflect on this in my own experience.

Your desire to get to and express truth is so inspiring. Thank you once again for your honesty which I think helps us all be a little more honest with ourselves.

I am looking forward to your Friday Tantra Life classes and plan on coming to some! Congrats for creating that new class.

  Pegi Burdick wrote @


Your willingness to be open and revealing is so powerful, and you are a great teacher.

I have a very dear friend with whom I sometimes use the metaphor: BEING CHOSEN FOR THE SOFTBALL TEAM.

For all of us adults who carry painful memories of never getting chosen when the time came to create teams, needing to be wanted is so powerful.

Keep sharing !!

  Scott wrote @

Hi Charu,

How true you are. My spiritual teacher once told me that there are only six things in life that we really need – food, water, air, shelter, protection, and LOVE. These are the basic necessities. The need for love comes across as wanting to be wanted.
He also shared that when you always love….you satisfy that need – yourself. When you are always loving, you always get to experience love. How simple and yet so profound and rewarding.

Lots of Love and Light to you!

  Paul wrote @

This also resonates very much with me, even as a man. I also want to be wanted and, part of me wants to be the object of desire rather than the subject of my own desires. Being the subject of my own desires seems so scary to me, as if they are shameful, wrong or somehow bad. I am realizing that even a part of this writing is coming from a place of wanting approval, being an object of desire. Reaching through the fear and shame of expressing my real desires and really being seen is not so easy for me.

There is something about your honesty and searching, Charu, that I connect with and appreciate for the inspiration and courage it affords me to continue down this path. Thank you for that.

  Rick wrote @

I wanted to weigh in as a man and say I too share this feeling. It must be universal. I would venture to say I am driven by this in different amounts at different times – extreme amounts of this desire probably comes across like insecurity and vanity and selfishness. Normal amounts of this desire makes us balanced human beings. I have tried Scott’s suggestion to try and always love others, be of service to others, and it does work – until I lose my discipline, get lazy, and indulge in my selfish little designs, my self will, my desire for you to like me, to want me. LOL. I can become like an actor who wants to run the whole show, is arranging the lights, the ballet, the scenery, and the rest of the players in my own way. If only people would do as I wished, the show would be great! What often happens? The show doesn’t come off very well. I begin to think life doesn’t treat me right. Admitting I may be somewhat to blame I am sure that other people are more to blame. I become indignant, and self pitying, “a hungry monster, self conscious, angry, manipulative.” AM I NOT A SELF SEEKER EVEN WHEN TRYING TO BE KIND AND WIN THE AFFECTION OF OTHERS? lol. Do I not become a producer of confusion rather than harmony? LOL. I too need love, and Scott’s suggestion is the only way I’m in control of the amount of love I’m experincing!@! Scott said “When you always love others, you always satisfy that need.” When I’m contributing to the stream of life rather than taking from it, the empty hole in my gut gets filled a little at a time. Simply said, not easy to do. LOL. Thank God for Tantra events!

  I’ila wrote @

You ARE an incredible powerful teacher Charu… Sunday blew my mind and heart and I was on cloud nine all night. Thank for the powerful healing of the night. Amazing…

love love love

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