Memoirs of a Tantrika

The Official Blog for Charu, founder of Embody Tantra

Self-Hate

In my return to lovemaking, I have had some unique breakthroughs.

The other night my love and I were making love and I felt almost totally numb. I could feel him moving in and out of me, but there was no pleasure, no opening, no softening on my part to really let him in. I struggled with it for a moment trying to ‘let go’…and eventually asked my love to give me some space.

When he slid out of me I began to cry, throw a tantrum really. He handed me a pillow and encouraged me to rage into it with whatever was coming up for me. I began once again to yell, ‘I hate you’, ‘I hate you’, ‘I hate you’…

I wanted to say something else, but those were the only words that came. Over and over again, ‘I hate you’, ‘I hate you’.

Now, the last time this happened, I was convinced that I was having some kind of flashback to abuse from my past, some kind of violation. I tried to feel who I was yelling at so I could gain some clarity.

This time I just focused on the feeling, and allowed the words to come.

After about 15 minutes it became crystal clear to me that the one who all of this anger and hate was directed towards was me. It was me that I hated, me who was violating me and who continues to violate me, me, me, me, me, me.

What a feeling.

The moment I saw it something unlocked inside of me. I told my beloved that it was me all along…he smiled and replied, ‘I know’.

Shit! How did he get the message before me? I hate that!

Shame. Sadness. More Hate.

Then release. A sweet softness over my entire body.

We rested. Then cuddled and caressed one another, and when I was ready, we made love.

It was lovely. I was present. I remembered how delicious this union can be.

…and the journey continues.

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6 Comments»

  honestpolitican wrote @

I’m on the other side of that relationship (not literally with you, but it sounds similar). I don’t know how to help the other have that moment. I must say the absense of physical love has been affecting our emotional love.

  devacharu wrote @

Dear Tim,

Thank you for your comment on my blog.

I can totally understand your frustrations and challenges around a partner who is not wanting to be physical.

For me, what I was longing for in part, was a feeling of closeness. I felt very supported by my beloved when he would make time to meditate with me, massage me, cuddle me, be sensual with me…it was important for me to feel that there were times when we could be intimate and loving and not need to make love. In fact, knowing that made me feel more sexual. In our time away from lovemaking I learned that I was often saying ‘yes’ to sex before I was ready…now we both have a deeper understanding of what supports me in relaxing, feeling open and coming to a genuine place of longing for my lover before I take him in.

For more information on where to begin to explore intimacy beyond sex, check out the sessions page on my website http://www.embodytantra.com

in love,

Charu

323.363.3135

http://www.EmbodyTantra.com

  Paul wrote @

Kudos to you, Charu, for seeing into the mirage and realizing that under the mirage is a mirror. A projection onto other is our own shadow unseen. This is a regularly repeating lesson for me, rudely interrupting my otherwise cool sense of how I be.

  Teri Jo wrote @

well this is a beautiful realization. reminds me that my own self-hatred is probably too the root of my stuff… so great you have martin there to encourage you to let it all out… and more than that – you there to listen to your body (numbness) and respond. what a team you are. and i love reading your life and learnings! i love YOU!
from your number one fan! 🙂
tj

  Vivian wrote @

Dearest Charu,

I am delighted to hear of your ever evolving self into the SELF…..and for sharing your inner journey with all of us. I am thrilled that you are bringing forward the dark shadow of self as a tool to bring yourself closer to your naturalness, uncovering the veils of ego and from the collective consciousness assisting all of to move closer to our Truth. I acknowledge your lover for his wisdom and allowing you to be…in all your emotion……that is the highest definition of Love. Allowing the other to “be”. What a beautiful gift. A treasure of empowerment. You are a wonderful model and wayshower of embracing the dark as well as the light. THIS IS important in our spiritual journey, now and into the next moment of now……thank you for your courage, your authenticity and your contribution to each person who reads this blog. Blessings and joy.

Much love and LIGHT,

  Pretender wrote @

Thanks for sharing your inner life with us. What a treasure for me. I sometimes find I’m putting on a show to impress others and gain their attention or just a few kind words. I’m pretending to be somebody I’m not. Do I “hate” myself at that moment? Why not be centered and be me? Good inward journey you’ve taken me on!


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