Memoirs of a Tantrika

The Official Blog for Charu, founder of Embody Tantra

Archive for July, 2008

Update…

As it has been a tender time I have found it difficult to write about what I have been experiencing…even more difficult to share it with the world via this blog.

I know that many of you have been following my the story of my hiatus from genital sex.

1,000 years…or about two weeks have past since my last blog about it.

In that time, with much support, and with some important internal processing…I decided to make love when I felt like it…and say ‘no’ when I felt like it.

Now, that may seem like a simple concept, but for me it is important to understand the difference and learn to listen to my body in a new way.

It was strange at first, coming back to lovemaking, and I am once again remembering why it is such an important part of my life and just how much pleasure and delight I derive from it.

Is it Possible that Life is Good?

Wow. Life is so unbelievably delicious.

I just got back from a sunset meditation on the beach with a Tantric named Peter. He calls the breathing techniques he presents ‘shakti pot’. My understanding of the meaning of that is to allow the essence of life to live through you… I am sure there are many interpretations.

We breathe heavily as we stare at the setting sun over the ocean.

As each sequence of 4 or 5 breaths completes I allow my body to be enveloped by a feeling of coming apart. I feel as though I die for a moment, everything that I hold onto to make life make sense comes undone and seems unimportant. I feel confused, but safe and happy.

Each time, I don’t know if I will ever come back…to life on this earth. And I don’t mind if I do or don’t. It seems irrelevant. I am shocked to find myself within moments back on this earth, in this human body, able to still listen and understand words and function. When everything disappears I am certain that I have forgotten it forever.

Life feels softer and sweeter after. Things seem less important. It is freeing.

Sometimes I feel like I am so ‘in’ being a human and making my life work, and keeping it real, and staying down to earth, and, and, and.. that I forget how bizarre and delightful it is to be alive. I forget what a miracle it is that the sun rises and sets each day, that the waves ebb and flow, that the seasons change…

I am a little bit embarrassed to be talking about something so ethereal. I pride myself on being so ‘down to earth’…and yet, I have lost touch. Life is so sweet and so simple. Even as I say that my mind rushes up with a thousand reasons it is not true.

I wish that I could always feel the world around me as I do in this moment.

I wish that I could remember to be simple.

When I got home I was gifted an amazing email from a friend with this link http://videos.komando.com/2008/06/26/christian-the-lion/

when I watched it I burst into tears and for the first time in a long time I felt absolutely blessed to be alive on this earth.

in love,

Charu

http://www.embodytantra.com

Tantric Tip #1

The Tantrika Recommends:

Part of living a Tantric life means taking care of yourself in every way. Learning to use your body as a conduit for allowing energy and pleasure to flow through. There are so many ways you can choose to support yourself…one of the ways that I do it is through a regular yoga practice and bodywork.

I can’t say enough good things about Matthew Cohen, founder of Sacred Energy Arts in Santa Monica www.sacredenergyarts.com. I go to his Tuesday and Thursday morning yoga and I can feel my body getting stronger. Because his studio is small you don’t get lost among hundreds of people in class and you get to experience that lost art of the teacher actually supporting you in finding the deepest stretch and best alignment for your body.

I also recently had a massage/bodywork session with him. He supported me in unlocking parts of my body that I cannot stretch on my own, releasing some emotional trauma that I have been holding onto in my body and re-connecting with a freedom and flow…seriously good stuff!

I feel like Matthew’s studio is one of the best kept secrets in LA…he is a true teacher able to support very real transformation.

Come and join me for Yoga or book a session with him…
310.403.3124 / www.sacredenergyarts.com

**Matthew has agreed to extend an offer to my students to come to their first Yoga class FREE! AND for $50 off your first bodywork session with him!** (just let him know that you heard it here and redeem the offer by mid-october 2008 ) 8)

I look forward to seeing you all soon.

in love,

Charu
323.363.3135
www.embodytantra.com
https://memoirsofatantrika.wordpress.com/
embody truth, embody love…embody tantra

New Territory (part 3)

When my love returned to me from his afternoon of Karate he was open and excited to see me.

He pulled off my clothes and played with me joyfully.

We got hungry and moved into the kitchen to make something to eat. We wound up on the floor kissing and grasping at each other. I felt myself desiring him and opening up, and at the same time I was becoming more and more afraid.

I asked him to place his penis at the entrance of my vagina (without going inside) …I know that this is the moment when I would often shut-down and I wanted to experiment with being in that space that frightens me to see what it reveals.

I held him close to me and began to cry, ‘I just want to get it right…make the right choice..’

This is so typical for me. I often feel motivated by my desire to ‘do it right’ and ‘be good’…so much so that I cannot feel who I am or what I truly want.

‘I’m so scared’

‘I know.’ he said.

I suddenly felt a massive pain in my throat. I grabbed at it wanting relief.

‘say whatever you have to say’ he said.

I could not feel any words.

I became hysterical. I wailed and cried until words began to come…

‘get away from me….stop…leave me alone…leave me alone’ I screamed.

I knew that I was not talking to the man before me, but I also did not see or feel who I was talking to. I have no recollection of any kind of sexual abuse in this lifetime.

I did not need a face or a scenario to go with what I was feeling…I just allowed it to come. I knew that I was releasing part of what has been keeping me from opening to my love.

My crying subsided and I relaxed a bit. I felt like a weight had been lifted.

I began to truly feel the purpose of this entire exercise, this time in our relationship.

I know that I am coming closer to myself. I have no idea what happens next.

~charu

New Territory (part 2)

After my evening of Tantra, hot-tubs and new awakenings in my body, the story continued upon my return home with my love.

In the hot tub, he had challenged me that my commitment to taking time away from genital sex was actually a fear of surrendering fully to him and his love.

I listened. This process is multi-layered for me and I don’t have a clear grasp of what is best. I just have an endless desire to be closer and closer to life, to myself and to my beloved. So far, with all of the challenges we have faced in the last six weeks, I have embodied new parts of myself and brought more to our relationship…undeniably.

I do long to have my love inside of me, and now with more space, more love, more allowing I am feeling like a new woman in many ways. Available to him in ways I have never been before.

And even still, I feel there is more. I feel like I have begun to chip away of what has held me back from fully receiving man and for whatever reason, this process is supporting me in that. I am scared that by ending it too soon I may be missing out on the jewels to come. I feel this deep inside of me.

I also feel that this is benefiting my beloved. I can see and feel him sharing new sides of himself too and facing demons that no other challenge has yet called him to face.

In our sleep last night we fell into a delicious, sensual romp. I was very present and my body was open. It felt wonderful.

When we awoke, more loving.

…and more challenges from my love, asking me to surrender, open all the way to him, beyond my fears.

I made a point to listen to him, rather than argue my point.

As I listened, without resisting, he came closer and closer to me. I heard him tell me how he loves me, I felt how hard it was for me to hear. How impossible it is to believe that his love could possibly be real and available to me.

I began to feel scared. Since I was taking a break from pointing fingers about what he needed to look at I had the chance to feel myself more. The more he showed me his love, the more he invited me to meet him in this love, the more terrified I became.

After we had shared some sensual time together I asked him if we could put into practice the exercise from Dawn’s class the night before…’look lovingly at an object and do not look away’. He agreed. We sat across from one another and gazed at each other. First into our eyes, then our entire bodies. I felt so delighted and nourished. I felt his love caressing my body through his eyes. I felt so blessed to have a partner who would share this kind of moment with me.

By the time he left for his afternoon of Karate I felt both filled with loving and deeply in my fears..which had no face or name.

to be continued…

~Charu

Are you inspired by these stories? Check out my website http://www.embodytantra.com and join the community by signing up for my mailing list.

New Territory

I don’t even know how to begin to describe the last couple of days.

I have traveled from lost in confusion to the absolute edges of bliss within moments.

Yesterday, along with many other days, my beloved and I were facing challenges. Both of us spent the day saturated in uncomfortable feelings.

Last night I was so thrilled to participate in my beloved teacher Dawn’s new weekly class. So glad that my love would be there with me.

The class unfolded and we wound up in separate groups, which was fine.

The meditation was from the Vighyan Bhirav Tantra. The sutra was ‘Look lovingly at an object, without looking away’. The object, in this case, was another human being.

There was so much power and beauty in this meditation, in the space that Dawn held, and in what I brought with me inside my own body to class.

Gazing at the people in the class became so delicious. Where many times I feel that eye contact is excruciating, this time I found it simple and nourishing. I love it when I get to that space.

I felt my body begin to unlock. I have been having this feeling in orgasm recently. Like I am being peeled open and spreading out. Before I have felt it only in my heart. Last night it revealed me all the way into my pelvis.

I often live with a gate between my pelvis and my heart, I feel the gateway is opening. It is exciting and scary. I am in uncharted territory.

I felt totally new afterward. Many friends gathered around me to share their love with me. I felt supported and loved…and still very lonely because I could not feel the connection with my beloved.

I helped clean up, wandered out, and even drove to my friend’s house with this opening in my body that felt alien and unsettling. I was uncomfortable unless I was sitting still, my head was pounding and I was acutely aware of every breath moving in and out of my body. I knew that something was changing inside of me.

When my love arrived, there was still a terrible distance between us. It melted away within the hour when we both submerged ourselves in the warm water of the hot-tub. The pull toward each other is too strong to deny…especially when we allow ourselves to be naked (literally and figuratively).

In the hot tub we held and massaged each other, I began to feel the opening I had experienced ground in my body. My headache dissolved and suddenly the world looked more beautiful than ever before. Every leaf seemed to be singing, a song without words that I heard directly from my heart. The water caressed me as I moved through it. My love, although sitting next to me, was alive inside of my body. I was so happy.

I once again remembered why I am so dedicated to this path of Tantra, even when I feel like it is driving me insane. When I surrender, it shows me life as it really is. The simplicity, beauty, pleasure, bliss…and everything else that is held in each moment. Last night, I allowed myself to see life as it really is.

To be continued…

For more information about how Tantra can change your life, check out www.embodytantra.com and join our mailing list for updates, provocative life questions, more personal discoveries from Charu and upcoming classes and workshops.

Deeper and Deeper…

It’s a funny thing when you are on a journey of self-discovery…in my experience, what tends to happen to people, is that they get to a certain point, get comfortable with this new way of thinking that they have discovered, and then basically use this new way of being as a way to miss the rest of the deepening that is available to them.

For example; someone might learn to think positive…they may have experienced amazing things as they began to think positive, and now it’s years later, they have become totally attached to controlling their thoughts, they have become attached to an identity of being someone who ‘thinks positive’, and they are completely unavailable for their next stage of growth…perhaps the stage that would include a deepening or a true, lasting transformation.

I know this because it has happened to me. I have often used the breakthroughs I have had, and the discoveries I have made in order to create a new set of ‘rules’ to follow that will keep me comfortable and developed and connected – to a point. I rest at this plateau of development until something comes along to rock my world, pull the ground out from under me and show me that in fact there is more…

For me, Tantra is an exceptional path because it offers nothing to hold onto. No rules to live by, no precepts, no right and wrong…because of this it is easier to stay out of a ‘comfort zone’ and consistently live life on the edge.

So, where is it in your life that you could go deeper? What encourages your deepening and what prevents it?

For me, I could love more. I am encouraged to love more by my practice of the Tantric meditations and I prevent myself from loving more by eating fast food and indulging in an attitude that there is not enough time, money or love to go around.

One thing that I have discovered most of us use to avoid deepening is living our lives two steps ahead of ourselves. Always onto the next bite before we are done chewing the first one, always onto the next task before we are done completing the other, always onto the next event before we have integrated the one before…

I encourage you to notice in your life when you are ‘ahead of yourself’, take a deep breath, slow down, and see what happens.  Join in the conversation by sharing your experiences in the comments section of this blog.

**Email me at charu@embodytantra.com with ‘Deeper and Deeper’ in the header for a FREE meditation to encourage a meeting with yourself in this moment (not two steps ahead). My gift to you as a ‘thank you’ for supporting my blog!