Memoirs of a Tantrika

The Official Blog for Charu, founder of Embody Tantra

The Other Side of The Story…

With the support of my friends and my beloved Teacher, I have taken a deep breath and begun to look at what I am feeling through this process, beyond my frustrations with my love.

When my Teacher offered this ‘project’ to us, it struck a chord with me because of a couple of things. Throughout the workshop that we were at, I noticed that there were several times when my love wanted to make love with me and I was not feeling open. In these situations, every single time I took him inside of me anyway.

I took him inside of me because I love him, I took him inside of me because I knew I would enjoy myself once I went beyond my resistance, and I took him inside of me because I want more than anything for him to be happy.

One of the times when I had taken him inside of me against the messages of my body, as he was making love to me, he called me on the fact that I was shut down. He got very frustrated with me, pulled out and said that he did not want to make love with me in this way, he wanted all of me to be there when we made love.

The night before my teacher offered this assignment to us, she gave us all a meditation for the evening. The meditation was for the women to spend some time lying on top of their man, covering him with her entire body and just resting and breathing together. She recommended that after this practice we do not make love.

Much to my surprise, I felt in my body a sigh of relief, I would have an opportunity to receive my love, and give to him, and love him, and absorb his loving in a new way. I would have a chance to ‘catch up with myself’ where usually (I was beginning to realize) the lovemaking would often be two steps ahead of what I was truly ready to receive.

Several months before this workshop, I was noticing that more often than not, when I would make love with my beloved, I would shut down the moment before I would take him inside of me. This would manifest by my vagina getting dry (even if I was turned on moments before)…usually I would choose to take him inside of me anyway and the moment he would be in my body, I would open up, my vagina would get wet, and I could receive him fully.

Being the Tantrika that I am, I made a mental note that I wanted to begin to look at why my body was reacting in this way and how I could get more present to myself and my beloved. What was happening for me in these moments and how could I move through this and bring even more opening and receptivity to our relationship and to our lovemaking?

I love my man. I want more than anything to get to a place where I can receive him…I want to bring him ALL of my loving in every moment of our relating.

By ignoring the messages my body has been giving me and moving ahead with the lovemaking when I am not ready, I have been denying myself and denying him. I am only able to bring part of myself to the lovemaking…

It is because of his love that I am waking up to the truth about who I am sexually…making me more of a lover when I am tuned in.

This process is coming from a place of wanting to meet him fully and receive him all the way. In many ways it is an answer to the man who said to me ‘I don’t want to be inside of you when you are shut down like this’.

He is demanding all of me, I am attempting to discover who I am so I can meet him there.

~Charu

** Many of you are getting excited about joining in the conversation about the year off from genital sex. If you have something to say to me please post it as a comment on the blog rather than emailing me or calling. This opens the conversation to the community. Thank you. **

Also…if you are reading this blog and you are in the Los Angeles area you can join in our Tuesday Tantra class! Embody Tantra regularly hosts events open to everyone who is curious about how Tantra can support them in their lives www.embodytantra.com for more information.

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4 Comments»

  Ryan wrote @

I have so many feelings from this post. This is a issue I ran in to with my last girl friend. I spent month’s learning how to go for hours even days with out cumming. I get to the point that I could not have an orgasm with out her. I wanted to reach that edge of a orgasim and back of so I could go deeper. It end up bring up issues that she was not ready to deal with. I have stopped being interested in intercourse because most of the women I have been with do the same thing you talk about in your blog. I came to realize that most women are unable to do with letting there little girl out to play in the bedroom. I know that I can not be dependent on one woman to be there for all my needs. I realize that if I want to go deeper that I will have many friends with there own past that will teach me. I know that you are special and I feel you have fear around opening up and letting men in. By what it says in your email about allowing someone inside. I know I feel some times that being who I am that know one will understand me. I am also afraid to allow myself to open up and let people see how much I love myself. I am secerd even to writ this. I know in the past I would run away and not allow myself to be close. I am creating closeness in my life and allowing people who love themselves as much as I do to mirror back my love. I know you love yourself unconditionally

  goddessdiaries wrote @

Charu,

You write about your experiences so beautifully, with honesty. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and process. It is very inspiring. You have paved the way for deep exploration and discussion.
THANK YOU!! I look appreciate being part of your process.
Sincerely,
Tabby

Lotus Blossom Style
http://www.lotusblossomstyle.com

  Nancy Grace Rosen wrote @

Charu~

Wonderful to discover you, your work and writing this Sunday morning. I found you through an email I received from the Project Butterfly Loft sponsoring Lisa Renee whom I love communing and meditating with on http://www.worldpuja.org!
Definitely plan to participate in one of your goddess or women offerings when in LA over the holidays and beginning of 2009.
I was touched by your sharing of allowing your beloved to enter you before your body is ready. And then reading Ryan’s response of choosing to not have intercourse because he encounters the same thing with past loves.
When I began my tantric journey and training, I was a rebirther and massage therapist in Scottsdale, Arizona in 1996 and was fortunate enough to live close to Jordan MacKenzie also known as Bodhi who is the author of the book, Beloveds In Bed that came out late 90s.
She was my mentor and teacher for several years. I helped her prepare sacred space for couples and tantra singles groups and gave her massages in exchange. There was a man, Mark who also was an apprentice and we became practice partners.
The first time he and I worked together, we were both nervous as I was sexually attracted to him, but he made it clear he had just ended a relationship and was not eager to jump into another one and I sensed an ambivalent push pull about intimacy with any woman.
When he came to my space, I suggested he massage and wash my back in the bath which would relax me since I was feeling so fluttery in my heart and not very grounded in my body. Then I asked him to brush my long hair.
His comment to me at the end of our time together was that was the most erotic and sensual thing he had ever done with a woman; simply brushing my hair.
It meant a lot to me to hear him tell me that this was my opportunity to totally receive touch from him, that this session had nothing to do with his gratification or pleasure. I felt relieved since this was my mode of operandi at the time, to mainly be the giver.
He simply touched my yoni area, my venus mons. A holding embrace, not even a caress and we breathed together.
My body started to relax and I sighed. He stayed at the opening of my yoni for a long time. Long enough for me to be more in touch with what I was feeling here without the usual charged caresses most men had approached this super sensitive part of me.
No friction, no urgency to do something else, just holding a loving, present masculine presence to what I wanted which was just this.
Finally, I did say I was ready for him to touch my opening, not my pearl as mine is hooded and it wasn’t our intention to have any typical yang approach of rubbing to get to an orgasm from friction.
He lovingly with soft eyes gazing and breaths together and some smiles, asked me if I was ready for him to come inside. It was then and there that I began to sob a belly and yoni full of tears.
Mark held me for a long time and I was thankful for this healing, realizing that I had never had sexual intercourse with my former husband or other lovers when I was really ready to be entered.
I didn’t know what that really felt like because as you so beautifully described, there is the desire to open and give to the man I was with. I was focused on his wand’s to come inside, not on my readiness to allow him full entry.
I honestly felt more closeness and intimacy with Mark than I had with all the men I had been intimate with before this time because he was truly giving me his loving presence and sensitive touch, asking me what felt good to me, patiently staying tuned into me to express what I felt in my being.
I think taking turns giving and receiving helps to heighten our awareness and assist us in finding our way to simply open to love and expressing our hearts in all kinds of ways, and not as you brilliantly describe simply trade sensual or sexual needs being met.
Looking forward to meeting you at a puja gathering or goddess/women’s group.
Namaste,
Nancy Grace

  Nancy Grace Rosen wrote @

Charu~
Clarification on last post…
Proofreading again after it printed,

Also, left out a word about past men’s wand’s
urgency…..

I realize I was not clear that Mark’s work with me was with his hands and fingers. Not his wand.

I don’t even know if he even had an erection which was also a breakthrough for me to not feel responsible for his pleasure.

And, as I said above, he shared with me what great pleasure he received in brushing my hair!


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