Memoirs of a Tantrika

The Official Blog for Charu, founder of Embody Tantra

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth….

How often do you lie?

Not only to the people in your life, but to yourself?

What do you think would happen if you didn’t?

In our society it has become customary to lie on a daily basis…worse than that, we also run around telling our children not to…which just makes for a very confusing world of untruths and half-truths that we cling onto to survive within our reality.

The major side effect of not telling the truth is that we never have to be intimate with anyone. Yup.

For example, last night I made dinner for my love. I worked hard to make sure everything was perfect…he sat down to eat and then got up to grab a fork from the drawer…I got totally upset and closed down (I know this sounds a little crazy). To me, him getting up to get the fork was equal to him saying, ‘you didn’t set the table’ it translated to me that I had fucked up and done something wrong. Of course, to him he was being helpful. (I just love how the simplest moments can offer us so much wisdom about our behavior).

So, the opportunity for intimacy comes when I say to him, ‘by you getting up and grabbing the fork for yourself I feel like you are saying that I did something wrong’. I have exposed myself. I showed him who I really was in that moment; silly, insecure, overly-sensitive and HUMAN. He then had the opportunity to have a voice in the situation, take a step closer to me and say, ‘That was not my intention at all, I was trying to be helpful’. Now, we are in relationship. I was honest with myself, with him and we met in an intimate space.

The scenario could have easily gone a different way. I could have kept my feelings to myself. Or not even admitted to myself that I had silly feelings like that over something so small. I probably would not even feel like I was lying, this falls under the category of a very sneaky kind of lie, an omission. I would have been less available to him for the entire dinner and in some small way, we have grown apart. I have denied him the opportunity to know me in this moment and he does not have a chance of really getting close to me.

Tantric Tip: Sure signs that you are guilty of an omission: your body tightens, you feel extra saliva in your mouth, you can’t figure out what to say, you feel a tightness in your belly, etc.
**The body is amazing because it is actually trying to support you in being honest, especially with the person it is hardest to do it with…YOU. The body does it’s best to get your attention and let you know something is out of balance.**

This is just one example of a simple way it can play out in relationship. Lies and omissions seep into every part of our life. The next time you find yourself complaining to a friend about someone in your life…I dare you to go directly to the source and share exactly what you are feeling with the person you are feeling it about. Whether it is that you want to kiss them or kill them and why. Do your best to take responsibility for your experience…it is highly likely that even if something very much looks like it is their fault, it isn’t.

It might sound scary or even impossible to say what you mean when you feel it in every moment of your life. You may even think that you are holding back because you want to spare the feelings of those around you, but that is just bullshit. You are holding back because you are deathly afraid of being intimate. Intimate with yourself and intimate with those around you. Because after all, what in the world would you do if you had nothing left to complain about? You might just have to allow yourself to be happy…and we have not been programmed for that.

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3 Comments»

  CCMS wrote @

Charu,
Thank you so much for sharing this with us.
I can relate. I started calling my first marriage “My relationship based on omission.” I did not share the truth because I did not think she would like it, or be ok with it. I later realized that I built up a hugh resentment – not towards her, but towards me for not being myself.
I’ve always wanted to just be myself with people, but felt like I would not be accepted by them if I did. I was conditioned to say and do what I thought would be ok with the other person, instead of just being myself. I was always lieing and editing.
In my new relationship we have both decided to be completely ourselves – whatever the outcome. It is hard and scary at times…wondering if the other person is really going to be ok with the truth. For my part, I continually remind her that it is ok, to say whatever is the truth, and I will not be hurt, or turn away.
I think it is amazing that we are all taught/conditioned from early on to not be our real selves. It has taken a lot of work to break through that to be authentic. We now live together without boundaries, just being ourselves with each other. I have learned that the greatest gift I can give someone is myself. Our relationship is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced so far.
Love & Light,
Scott

  Vicky wrote @

Charu, you are so right with this. If we don’t tell the truth, we stuff it down, and it poisons us from the inside. I fear telling the truth sometimes, especially when the response is, “Why do I have to know that?” But when I respond that I need to share and tell him what I am feeling, to ask for comfort or to spark a discussion, it always is a relief. He gets it. And then we talk. And then, even though I may have been afraid of the consequences of telling the truth, it is infinitely better than having that poison eating into my body. I am learning to tell the truth in my work with you, and it is enormously empowering – thank you for encouraging me and giving me the space to do that.

In love,
Vicky

  Charu wrote @

Scott & Vicky,

Thank you so much for participating in this discussion. I am so glad that it touched you.

I learn more and more about the power of truth everyday.

What shocks me the most is how difficult it is to be honest with myself…let alone the people in my life.

in love,
Charu


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