Memoirs of a Tantrika

The Official Blog for Charu, founder of Embody Tantra

Archive for April, 2008

Insecurities

Opening up my heart and my life in this blog has offered many discoveries for me.

The most important one is how I am still searching for approval and love outside of myself.

Some of you know that I studied acting. One of the reasons that I stepped away from pursuing it as a career was that I came to understand that I was using the accolades I would gain from my performances as a substitute for love. As my meditation practice became more and more important to me I felt it was time to sever ties to ‘unhealthy’ habits like that.

And here I am, years later, doing exactly the same thing. I have changed the focus from acting to teaching Tantra, but the essence is the same…when people accept and admire what I put forward, I feel happy…when they don’t approve or misunderstand, I feel sad.

Fascinating the roller coaster I choose to ride rather than allow myself to feel the love within.

daily meditation

  • Rest with your hands on your heart
  • Try remembering a time in your life when you felt loved
  • For example: the warmth of the sun on your face, a family member or lover holding you or looking at you with pride after a triumph, spending time with a beloved pet
  • Allow yourself to fill out every detail of the moment that you are remembering…immerse yourself in it
  • Then allow the memory to dissolve and continue to feel the resonance in your body

…you are the love that you seek.

No matter the story that surrounds your experience of love, it is simply the catalyst, a mirror for the truth within. Knowing this can mean the difference between constantly seeking approval from your partner, and truly experiencing a sharing of love with them.

*For a more detailed description of this meditation entitled ‘Awakening the Inner Lover’ check out Margo Anand’s book The Art of Sexual Ecstasy.

I am terrified of men…

The weekend before last, while my love was away at his Men’s Weekend, I had a rare opportunity to spend some ‘social’ time, alone.

I spent most of Saturday working and I had a client in the evening. We were going to do some filming after the session to show at an event I was speaking at. I had gotten myself all dressed up and even put on some makeup.

My client had to cancel last minute and I found myself at 8pm on a Saturday night all dressed up with no place to go!

I resolved to take myself to a late movie. Here is where things get interesting…

The first thing I did was go home and put an ugly sweater over my beautiful outfit.

Even so, I noticed as I walked the few blocks to the movie theater, I was incredibly self-conscious and tight in my body…terrified that I might attract attention.

Lately I have noticed that I often dress to avoid attention with the excuse that it takes too long to get all ‘done up’. When I am dressed in this sloppy way I generally want to be invisible. I don’t want to talk to anyone about Tantra, don’t want anyone to ‘hit on’ me, and I generally feel inside that people are probably thinking I am ugly and dull. Since I know that I am not ugly and dull I live with a feeling that I am holding a delicious secret.

The few times that I have been dressed up when my beloved is not with me I have noticed this theme of wanting to cover up, and feeling very uncomfortable in my body…a strange feeling that by being more visible I might get hurt somehow.

When I arrived at the theater I was the only one there.

I cannot begin to describe to you how terrified I became. I sat alone in the theater watching my body tighten up, feeling my breath become more shallow, and watching a slide-show in my mind of all the terrible things that could happen to me in my vulnerable state of aloneness in this theater.

Being the Tantrika that I am, I knew this was an opportunity to discover something. The truth was that I was most likely not in any danger. So what was I afraid of?

I played with relaxing my body and allowing myself to feel the sensation of fear inside of me. Within a few minutes the tension would come back…

During this experiment I began to notice that I was hoping that a woman or a couple would walk though the door of the theater. Somehow, this would make me feel safe…

And I was terrified that the next person to come in would be a man.

What became more and more clear to me is how much energy I spend every day feeling unsafe around men. The reality is that most of the men I encounter in my life will not physically harm me, but that does not seem to undo a collective consciousness of fear that if I am alone with a man I am at risk of being beaten and raped. Historically, it has happened so many times, to so many women that I think the fear may unconsciously live on in all of us.

How much do I allow this fear to run my life?

In the way I dress, in the subtle ways that I make myself small so as to go unnoticed? In the way my vagina sometimes tightens up and won’t allow my lover deep inside of me? In the way I sometimes unconsciously want to punish my man…forgetting that in my holding back from him I am also denying my own pleasure and freedom…

So, more importantly, how do I ever go about moving beyond these fears, which are surely coming in the way of me being radiant in my life and of deeply surrendering to man?

I think in this moment, just experimenting with feeling the fear, keeping my body relaxed and allowing it to flow through me is the most effective way to face the demon. And being honest with myself when I feel it. Whether it be alone in a movie theater, or in the arms of my beloved.

Sex and Meditation…

Last night my beloved and I went out to dinner.

We arrived home and enjoyed each other’s company as he prepared chili for a pot-luck at work and I finished up with some last-minute work stuff on the computer…

We were exhausted. It had been a long day and we plopped into bed with lists of ‘to do’ running through our heads and visions of the new day that was waiting for us with its demands.

Once in bed, my half asleep beloved lovingly pulled me towards him. I could feel his intention to connect with me and I maneuvered my body into a relaxed position where I could easily take him inside of me….that’s when the magic happened.

Suddenly, everything melted away and we were in an immediate state of meditation. The kind of meditation where you truly feel your connectedness to all things. Energy began to flow through us and we sailed deeper and deeper into the sweetness of the moment. Our bodies were almost completely still and relaxed as we gave way to the waves of orgasms that washed over our bodies.

…and I thought to myself, as I often do, how different this is from what I had once dreamed lovemaking would be. How deeply satisfying and truly beyond anything I could have comprehended.

Lovemaking has become the easiest, most delightful, healing meditation.

I share it with you to support you in knowing that this is possible for everyone…not only possible, but it is what we are made for.

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What This Woman Wants…

In a world of being politically correct and men and women trying to act ‘equal’ I feel much has been lost in the relationship between man and woman.

David Deida writes very eloquently about how the feminist movement actually liberated the masculine qualities in women. That was an important and maybe necessary step for women in order to be seen and heard in a man’s world. However, what we have lost over time, both from being oppressed for so long and from feeling like we needed to be equal to and act like men to find our place in the world, is devastating.

We, as women, have lost the essence of our femininity. We have lost the essential power of woman…and we have lost our ability to surrender.

Men, have become confused about how to be with us…now that we are so busy acting like them.

Men and women have lost the courage to be what they naturally are. Women are not able to be more masculine, without the ‘feminization’ of men.

…and we wonder why we haven’t been fucked properly, in who knows how long, by a man we can trust!

Surrender is one of the most important elements, from both parties, in a relationship. It has become increasingly difficult to surrender in our world for several reasons; 1) we are constantly being lied to (by our friends, family, and the media), 2) we have been so severely hurt by the opposite sex as individuals and as a society we can no longer allow ourselves to trust.

Here comes the personal part of the story…

One day I will share the entirety of the story of how I met and got together with my beloved, the important piece of the puzzle in this moment takes place on a hike that we went on together which was to be our first official ‘date’, although we had known each other for several months and had already confessed our love to one another.

What my love did not know on that day was that I had become clear before our hike that it was not the right time for me to have a relationship and I was going to tell him as soon as we reached our destination, and got out our picnic, that I could not move forward at this time…

We arrived at the waterfall after a long and lovely hike, and took out our lunch. Then I launched… I began to tell him how I could not do this, it wasn’t the right time, I was committed to my spiritual path, to love and truth, to rediscovering my sexuality in a new way…and I felt I needed time on my own to get clear before I began a relationship.

He listened to me, looked me in the eyes, and said, ‘You say that you are committed to love and truth above all things, and that is why you can’t move forward with me…but you seem completely blind to the fact that love is here, with me, and you are using your ‘spiritual path’ as an excuse to avoid the intimacy that is available to you’.

Gulp. That fucker! Who does he think he is? Isn’t he supposed to just listen to me, tell me he respects my opinion and leave it at that?

…and then something amazing happened…I got wet. You see, before this moment I had only interacted with men who would listen to what I said, and ‘allow me my process’. Men who would not get their hands dirty by telling me the truth at the risk of hurting my feelings. Men who would rather maintain the status quo than fight for a loving relationship.

And I knew he was right. I knew it through to my core.

Then I began to cry…I cried for all of the things I might potentially lose by choosing to be with him; how my friendships would change, how my precious new spiritual practice would have to change, how everything would be unknown in the face of this love.

And he just held me. He didn’t shhhhhh me, he didn’t say, ‘don’t cry’, he didn’t try to tell me what I wanted to hear, he didn’t apologize for hurting my feelings…he held his ground and loved me.

(It is important to note that in the past I have used my tears as an unconscious way to manipulate men into seeing it my way and giving me what I want. It is also important to note, that once they have done this I immediately find them less attractive.)

After about two hours of crying, I looked him in the eyes and said, ‘you can fuck me now’.

And it was the best decision I have ever made in my life.

The surrender I experienced and continue to experience in this relationship comes from a deep trust that my man is ever faithful to truth and to love….even if it will hurt my feelings. I can also surrender because I know that he will not be manipulated by my emotions like so many men have. He will allow them, witness me experiencing them, love me through them, but they will not change his opinion or stance on any issue. As a man, he is clear within himself, and I can relax into and trust his sense of direction and clarity. I can be a woman.

Bringing this back to Tantric sex (since this is the memoir of a Tantrika)…my beloved showing up as a man in this way and my surrender to him, is probably the number one factor in why our sex life has transcended what I had dreamed possible. And to those who think that Tantric Sex is just about hours of lovemaking and fancy breathing techniques… without the element of surrender, these are pretty much worthless.

What Every Man Should Know…

Recently I have had the honor of working with several men who have dared to be very honest with me about their relationship to their penis.

It seems to me from what I have learned that every man has been programmed to believe that he should have a rock-hard erection at all times. This myth has grown so far and wide that modern science has even made an attempt at solving it by creating a little blue pill, so every man can be hard even when his body is giving him a different message. This little blue pill has done us a great disservice because it has made it easy for us to ignore an important message from our bodies.

I would be shocked if there was even one man reading this blog who has not experienced a moment when his penis did not get hard when he wanted it to.

So, here is the lowdown as I see it:

Most people today are cut off from their genitals…desensitized. Many young men are completely unconscious in their genitals and they are simply driven by biology. Biology ensures that they get an erection at any and all times possible in order to ensure the growth of our species. What biology is ignorant about is the fact that an erect penis without a connection to a man’s heart is a potentially dangerous thing.

Most men and women don’t have any idea what we are carrying in our genitals. Men are often carrying anger, guilt, hate, confusion, shame…and more, in their genitals. This has been created through a repression of the sexual energy in our society. When an unconscious man penetrates a woman he leaves her with a residue of all of these tensions and unfelt feelings that are living in his genitals. Woman receives this for two reasons; 1) she is cut off from her own genitals, 2) she is created to be a ‘receiver’.

If a man is lucky, he will experience a moment in his life when his penis becomes or longs to become conscious. When it is tired of being a slave to biology and sees an opportunity to connect with the heart. One example of how this may show up, is in a moment when a man is about to penetrate a woman whom he does not love or care for, or he can sense that she does not love or care for him and the penis chooses to be soft, refusing to participate in the charade any longer. Most men experience great fear, sadness, shame and confusion when this happens.

If this has happened to you I say, ‘congratulations, your penis is awakening to it’s true potential’.

You see, a penis is not there to merely impregnate women and use them as a device for momentary pleasure…a conscious penis has the potential to take you home. To bring you back inside of woman, from where you came. To offer her great healing and offer you a sense of peace, well being and balance.

A conscious penis is valuable and alive throughout all levels of tumescence. This is because a conscious penis is at all times sensing into and reading the messages of a woman’s body.

Woman is not always open and ready to receive a rock hard penis. In fact, if our body is not open, facing a hard penis can be downright scary. With an alive and intuitive penis woman can relax knowing that she will be met exactly where she is at. If she is not ready for lovemaking, the penis won’t be either…if you are in the middle of making love and she tightens up a bit, the penis will adjust to her needs and soften so she can again open and relax.

This is where my very favorite lovemaking technique comes in: soft penetration. Soft penetration is exactly what it sounds like…woman takes her man inside of her while his penis is soft. This is an AMAZING opportunity to re-sensitize both the penis and the vagina. There is a natural resonance and intelligence that our genitals have which most of us are completely shut off to. When we rest the genitals together, we give them the space to awaken and re-connect with their true power and intuition. From this space truly transformational lovemaking can arise.

As for me, discovering this truth has changed my life and allowed me to surrender to my love in new ways. I can feel the true gift of every level of tumescence and the love with which my beloved’s penis moves as it feels into me and my deepest needs and longings. Just as I spoke about in the previous entry, it knows when it can fuck me senseless with absolute love, and when I am feeling scared and shut down and I need a softer, more tender penis to meet me before I can invite him all the way in.

To read more about how you can practice soft penetration check out my favorite book Tantric Orgasm for Women for detailed instructions and much more info about growing conscious in our genitals.

in love,
Charu
323.363.3135
http://www.embodytantra.com
embody truth, embody love…embody Tantra.

for more information on classes and sessions with Charu click here

Man and Woman Come Together…

My beloved just came back from a Men’s Weekend workshop…I don’t know what they do there, and I am certain that I don’t agree with everything, BUT….boy does he feel amazing!

He is radiant and VERY masculine! I mean, as if he wasn’t already masculine enough…

It has called forward another side of me, even more feminine….and equally powerful to meet this powerful man.

I got scared when he first got home and I felt him, scared that I was not enough woman for him. He just keeps getting more and more amazing. As soon as I had his penis inside of me my fears subsided. What I feel most blessed with is that with him showing up so powerful, I could see and feel the potential for even more power, aliveness and embodiment to arise in me. Like my container for what is possible as a woman just expanded and now I just have to allow myself to fill it.

The lovemaking has been so rich. A new layer has been introduced. I am consistently surprised by what is possible between two human beings.

The first night he was back it was raw. He could feel my uneasiness around how to welcome him back and how to ‘be enough’ for this new man and he simply “knew” he had to fuck me back to my senses. We tried a new position where I was wedged up against the wall in a corner…it was lovely, I felt like I was in one of those intense movie scenes that everyone talks about.

The second night was literally unbelievable. The highlight was that he chose to cum inside of me,which he rarely ever does. I had been in a consistent state of orgasm for a good while during the lovemaking and as he orgasmed I followed him. At first we were in slightly different rhythms, our ‘peaks’ were not matched, but then we seemed to surrender to it at the same moment. Identical sighs came out of us and suddenly we were enveloped by the orgasmic experience together. WOW.

Once we transitioned, I felt this bubble-like energy around my head and covering my body down to my belly button. We sat across the table from one another having dinner and I could see that he had one too, this bubble of energy around him. Over dinner we had a wonderful, rich conversation about the workshops we have done, our friends, and how our relationship evolved. We spoke about the first Ecstasy of the Heart retreat when we got together and each detail literally came to life as we spoke. The strangest and most amazing moment was when I talked about how when I met him I was in a place where the only man I would give myself to would be the man I intended to stay with for the rest of my life. That is why the first time we made love was like a marriage to me.

As I said that I made a gesture with my hands, an opening. He felt this huge surge of energy and it actually moved his body as the energy passed through him.

…but that’s not all…

When we were complete with our dinner and we decided to transition, he got up from the table. As he moved, I felt energy in my body shift, like the ‘bubble’ had spread out to consume my entire body. I felt I had to lay down right there and I did. Suddenly, my body began to go into orgasm. Not a quiet meditative state of orgasm that I often experience when I am on my own, but full, alive, ecstatic, delicious orgasm. As I fell deeper into it it began to happen to him as well across the room. We started laughing hysterically. How fucking crazy? We laughed our way into an embrace and felt ourselves totally in awe of the fun we have and the totally other-worldly things we discover through our loving.

Ever since then I have felt the hugeness of the energy that is me. I feel like I am more ‘in’ everything that I do. Everything that I touch, I truly feel through me, and everything that feels my touch is somehow enlivened.